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Home本期文章婚姻衝突--警告訊號﹐調校速度

【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(38)--警告訊號﹐調校速度

 

我曾經面對過﹐當電腦在同一時間太多事情在進行﹐而不斷按時﹐會帶來 "當"(down) 機。手機也會有此現象﹐常常 "當" 機﹐很是煩惱!可幸的是﹐當再按 "重新設置"(reset button) 時﹐又把它帶回原來狀況﹐可以再度運作﹐只是要再次設置很耗時﹐而且有不少軟件重新安裝。電腦、手機會 "當"﹐人的情況亦然﹐尤其在家裡﹐有可能更容易出現 "當" 機。就好像當你步行感覺到氣喘﹐便會減慢步伐。我們若能留意一些 "當" 機前的訊號﹐就可以避免 "重新設置"!

speed有些人為了多賺點錢供樓養車而要做三四份兼職﹐結果弄至胃潰瘍﹐或患上肝病;也有些人喜歡社交活動和好學﹐一星期五個晚上都參加不同的組別﹐結果每樣事情都做不好﹐但身心卻非常疲累;也看過有些非常投入教會的信徒﹐在自己教會參加不同組別﹐還在外邊參加 "聖經研習班" 和 "生命之道" 等等研習班﹐結果是沒有時間消化所學的﹐聽的都變成 "水過鴨背"﹐過目即忘。這些適得其反的原因﹐縱然有著良好的動機﹐卻可能是過於高估自己能力﹐或是低估了事情所需要的預備﹐更可能是內心深處的 "追求成就感﹐期待得嘉許" 心態﹐逼使自己去跨越極限﹐以致帶來頗為痛苦的後遺症

在家庭裡﹐夫婦的相處也隨時會遇上類似情況﹐就是各自有自己的活動安排﹐有的人一星期沒有一次在家一起吃飯又或是在晚飯後﹐各顧各地趕快去下一個活動﹐回到家已經見到另一半在睡夢中這個家庭的夫婦關係會有好的發展嗎倘若家裡有子女﹐情況更複雜﹐可謂危機四伏﹐隨時爆發。究竟有些甚麼危機訊號呢當留意到有些訊號﹐又該怎麼辦

有的夫婦﹐不再有牽手散步﹐有的甚至不知對方的去向﹐也不知道對方的喜怒哀樂等情緒﹐雙方有太多緘默或只是責任事務的交代﹐沒有內心感受的交流﹐這些都是婚姻危機的訊號。

筆者也曾經有上述的情況﹐在結婚幾年後有了第一個女兒﹐又要供樓﹐我除了日間的主任工作以外﹐也去做兩晚兼職教書﹐又兼讀學士課程﹐又參與教會的主日學教學﹐以及一個輔導研習組。那時候﹐每一天都要細看當日行程﹐總是覺得透不過氣﹐分秒必爭﹐常常趕 deadline﹐有假期便用來睡覺﹐追補功課或閱讀﹐甚少時間與女兒玩﹐或者與太太拍拖把家務全交與菲傭。現在回顧﹐既不知道自己如何有那麼多的精力﹐那不自量力的勇氣﹐更有不少遺憾失去跟女兒和太太共度的親密時間我的問題又是怎樣出現轉機呢

轉變的關鍵點是在一個教會的夫妻營裡﹐太太在小組分享中說到她的情況時﹐突然聲淚俱下﹐全組突然沉默﹐當時有點不知如何處理。事後﹐經過牧師、組長等開解、鼓勵和建議﹐我們的生活才漸漸重回正軌。我決定退出輔導研習組﹐減少一晚教夜校﹐暫停教主日學﹐待課程完成後再安排。

現在﹐要保持醒覺意識﹐每隔一些日子便讓自己獨處靜思﹐在飯後散步或在公園靜坐﹐細看自己近來的內心情緒、太太的情況﹐彼此深度交談﹐想想有沒有互存款給對方的情緒銀行。若有發現有需要行動去了解或澄清﹐或是糾正行動﹐便需要先想一個和諧的做法﹐把問題妥善處理。婚姻關係是需要雙方努力經營的﹐我們永遠都要學習如何取得平衡﹐既有各自空間﹐也有共同分享﹐生活才能彼此滿足、健康成長。

為誰辛苦為誰忙

事務連綿不見岸。

日理萬機機也傷﹐

減少事務又何妨?

 

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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