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Home本期文章婚姻衝突--靜默的順服

【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(40)--靜默的順服

 

在生活中我們總會遇到或大或小不如意的事﹐當遇上時﹐情緒自然也受影響﹐有時內心的容忍度好像達到極點﹐快要到爆發邊緣。甚至乎﹐自己也會放鬆自制﹐讓心中不快的情緒發洩﹐寧願事後再收拾殘局。當然﹐這樣的情緒反應也會影響家人或朋友﹐而自己也事後內疚自責﹐進一步影響自己的心情。今期﹐與大家再次討論處理不如意事的方法:靜默的順服。

很多時﹐大錯的決定都是由小事引發出來的﹐而這些小事又非自己導致或能控制的。如身旁的噪音、一些不確實的批評、失去/找不到某些物件、盡心竭力卻未能達到理想效果、做得好的卻沒有人欣賞﹐甚至如去污水管堵塞、打印機壞了不能印已做好的報告等等。這都很令人氣餒﹐想要找些對象來發心中的氣憤。

不過﹐無論你發洩或是不發洩﹐那些事情依然停在那裡﹐絲毫沒有因為你的發洩氣憤而有所改變。無論你是握緊拳頭﹐或是用力揮打沙包﹐或是腳踢地上的小石﹐甚至乎向你的小狗狂吠﹐現實都沒有改變。

此時﹐可以考慮靜默的順服。這並非指放棄﹐不理不睬,而是主動採取恰當的接受﹐願意放下我們遇上的不如意事情﹐不讓負面情緒湧蓋而失去理性平衡。「靜默的順服」的智慧﹐在於明知所發生的事情非在你掌握之內﹐你雖然期望進展順利﹐但事實卻非如人願﹐而你的策略是不讓洩氣(frustration)影響自己的情緒。

social 1例如﹐你在洗碗﹐不小心打爛了一隻碟﹐它跌在地下﹐碎裂成小片。與其尖叫、大罵、自責、大力踏地﹐不如接受現實—打爛了一隻碟。一隻破碎了的碟﹐不是甚麼大問題﹐用不著尖叫、大罵、自責、大力踏地!甚至乎﹐你還可以用幽默去面對「這隻碟原來懂得飛﹐但不懂得平安著陸」。碟子已碎﹐罵亦於事無補;與其埋怨出氣﹐不如輕鬆面對。


又例如三歲小孩倒潟了牛奶﹐在地板上四下飛濺﹐可否不先去責罵他的不小心﹐無用﹐小小事情都做不到﹐而改為「你繪出的幅牛奶晝好特別啊」﹐然後才一起去清潔抹乾。只要你能改變慣常反應﹐事情便沒有如想像中那麼糟糕!

在研究情緒的文獻中﹐對「生氣」的定義﹐可以分級為最輕微的「不喜歡」、略為提升的「在意」、再進一步是「不高興」、再嚴重一點是「生氣」、頂點就是「憤怒」。

有些研究顯示﹐在憤怒管理上﹐如果能先體驗五級程度不等的怒氣。那麼﹐遇到不如意事情﹐就不會每次都直接跑到「憤怒」那個程度去﹐造成過激的言行頻繁地出現﹐因而增加他人與自己的壓力﹐又陷入更容易生氣的負面循環。這個技巧﹐對大人、小孩都重要﹐要作為日常修身養性的功夫去練習。

「不喜歡」﹐自己打爛碟是可以的﹐但不一定要很「在意」自己打爛碟。即使「在意」事情的發生﹐只是一隻碟而已﹐也可以不讓自己因一隻碟而「不高興」。若然因此而自責﹐自疚而向自己「生氣」﹐又會對事情有何幫助呢?當然﹐更不希望提升至「憤怒」﹐你知道這是對己對人對事都沒有幫助。明知沒有幫助的﹐又為何要去做呢?

social 2由「不喜歡」到「憤怒」﹐都是我們的生氣情緒反應的級別﹐也是被我們的思維所影響的。在你的生命成長過程中﹐你的內在思維很可能是學自你觀察父母兄弟姊妹的榜樣﹐或是看見同學朋友甚至電視中的交往方式﹐加上你自己的個人感受以及個人反思領悟所至。所以﹐同一件事﹐對同一群年齡的人﹐也會有不同反應。這說明﹐你可以有不同的反應﹐按照你對事情的理解﹐而讓某階段的情緒反應表達出來。情緒﹐是反應你對事情經過思維而表達出來的感受。

「不輕易發怒的大有聰明﹐性情暴躁的大顯愚妄。」(箴言 HYPERLINK "http://cnbible.com/proverbs/14-29.htm"14:29)「你們各人要快快地聽﹐慢慢地說﹐慢慢地動怒﹐因為人的怒氣並不成就神的義。」(雅1:19)

 

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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