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Home本期文章婚姻衝突--承諾不兌現,可大可小事

【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(33)--承諾不兌現,可大可小事

 

所有婚姻或家庭關係的討論,如果沒有提出 "兌現承諾" 這原則,都是不夠全面的。"言出,必行" 就是兌現承諾,否則就是言而無信。一個人的誠實與信譽是他獲得被人信任、建立良好關係、走向快樂家庭成功的基礎,而能否兌現其承諾便是一個人是否講信用的主要標誌。

大文豪蕭伯納說過:"人與人之間的爭吵往往是由一個人的錯誤開始,另外一個人的指責而引起的。" 這句名言,尤其適合戀愛或在婚姻中的雙方。生活中,當配偶犯了錯誤,若對其一味地指責,無疑是跟著犯了更大的錯誤。因為這樣往往解決不了問題,反而會造成進一步爭吵和矛盾。請看以下一個例子:

rational 1承諾沒有兌現堅持不斷指責

中秋節前夕,太太早早預備妥當,因為丈夫答應她在中秋期間會到她外家探望父母。然而那天下班回家,丈夫卻突然告訴她,這兩天公司有些突發重要事要見外地來的客人,不能請假。他的話如一盆冷水潑向太太。她指責丈夫:"過年時你沒有去,你承諾中秋一定去。我都告訴他們了,現在你卻又不去,你是什麼意思?是不是不想見我爸媽?" 丈夫解釋說:"公司確實是急事,老板指定要我陪他去,我可以不去嗎?如果我不去,老板會怎樣看我?我向你爸媽解釋,稍後我再請假去你家,好嗎?" 太太仍然不滿意地說:"你說的話我還能信嗎?你中秋後請假,我能請到假嗎?我看你就是找藉口。什麼意思你坦白說?" 太太不聽解釋,兩人激烈地爭吵起來了。最後,丈夫往門口走,離開前說了句:"我希望你能理解我,相信我,如果連這些公司的事都不信,都要吵,以後還怎麼樣相處?"

這次爭吵的起因是丈夫未能兌現承諾確實不對可也是事出有合理原因若是直接告訴父母相信他們也會體諒。作太太的本應給予丈夫支持和理解。她本來滿心歡喜和丈夫回家看爸媽的卻因為丈夫違背承諾而倍感失落和不滿不斷地指責丈夫擴大矛盾使爭吵升級。可以說她的錯誤比丈夫更大。在婚姻中承諾是常有的事如果一方沒有兌現要多考慮對方無法兌現的原因其理由充分的就應該給予理解及支持。再看另一例子

rational 2可以不責便不責自責更勝被他責

在去赴宴會前,丈夫承諾太太他不會喝酒。在宴會間,受不住朋友熱烈暢飲氣氛,他喝了兩杯啤酒,喝酒量是比平時少。宴會後開車回家,途中被交警檢測,結果是超標,受到即時鎖車停牌加罰款。回到家後,太太就是重量級的批評:"我一早便勸你開車別喝酒,你在朋友前扮大哥!六個月都開不了車,以後怎麼接送孩子上學和送我上班!" 丈夫說:"如果我早知道這麼倒霉,打死我也不喝啊!再說,我覺得喝兩杯啤酒,根本沒甚麼影響啊!" "現在後悔嗎?喝的時候我勸你怎麼也不聽!那時候要面子,現在不是遭透了嗎!" 太太說。"你不要落井下石了,我心裡更煩呢,可否讓我清靜一刻!" 丈夫說。

丈夫不聽太太勸阻因酒後開車導致駕駛執照被臨時吊銷他犯錯在先他心裡本來就很後悔很煩惱。而太太不單沒有給安慰反而是埋怨、指責使丈夫的心情更加沮喪和急躁。其實犯錯導致的結果已經難以更改又已經讓他得到教訓何必再指責呢如果此時能給予安慰反而會讓他感受到你的愛意體諒和接納也會更加知道自己的錯誤。其實對方能夠從錯中學習、自省、自責是更勝過被他人指責。

經一事長一智人非完美總會犯錯。在生活中有很多事務安排總會因某些突發事件而令人不能完成先前的承諾這需要盡快溝通使影響層面降低也要接受對方的決定臨時的取消或變化是有可能的。筆者有一次答應兒子去觀看他在下午舉行的足球比賽同日上午筆者要負責一講座由於大會臨時有調動要改為下午結果筆者未能出席兒子的足球比賽。事後他有表示失望但聽完解釋之後也願意接受減少失望。

總括來說不要輕言承諾除非是頗肯定會做得到。反過來說把它說為一個 "驚喜"到時才揭曉。切勿給人有 "說得出做不到" 的感覺。再有發生同樣情況便會被視為 "沒有信用" 的人此不良影響更深遠。反而我們若能做到 "說得出做得到"言而有信別人會更加欣賞並建立可信賴的品格。在家庭中朋友中會更受歡迎及被信賴關係更融洽。


寧願不作承諾言出便要做起。

現實總非完美,偶然落空不奇。

若是未能做到,盡快給他驚喜。

別人亦會明白,也有限制綁你。

只要已盡所能,不用怪責自己。

講得出做得到,家人朋友讚你。

 

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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