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【社會心】非理性思想(51)--你點解認為你可免除人間疾苦?

 

上期我們討論過「體諒對方的難處」﹐就是用心去體會對方處境﹐雖然未必能立即解決問題﹐但可以讓對方知道「有人明白其難處」﹐已是化解衝突的一大步。而當發生爭吵高峰時﹐切記避免太快還擊﹐先讓對方把話說完﹐用心傾聽。放下慣性反擊模式﹐聽清楚對方意思﹐才以平和語氣回應﹐可以避免火勢升級。

然而﹐你靜下來時﹐會否問自己﹐為何生活中總會有那麼多不如意的事?何以常有不如意的事在自己身上?例如婚姻中常有衝突﹐與同事或上司有心病難以合作﹐家人突患重病﹐家被偷竊(break in)失去手機銀包信用卡等等。自問自己尚算好人一名﹐在家裡在工作在社會都是盡責盡力﹐何以仍然有不少困難與不順?做好人不是可以開開心心地生活﹐免除人間疾苦嗎?

再想深一層﹐做好人便可以免除人間疾苦嗎?誰說的?誰說某人已經是一個「好人」就可以免疫於苦難嗎?南非前總統曼德拉(1918-2013)在未做總統前﹐曾經因參與領導反種族隔離運動而被囚 26 年﹐是苦難嗎?再看另一位政治人物昂山素姬﹐本在英國與丈夫及兒子生活﹐因在帶領緬甸人民爭取自主﹐選舉獲勝﹐卻被視為廢票﹐更被軟禁 15 年!是苦難嗎?香港人熟悉的張瑪莉﹐1975 年的港姐﹐原來她在六歲時被親生父母遺棄﹐流浪深水埗二年﹐最後被保良局收留。對於六歲便被父母遺棄的小女孩﹐其身心靈之創傷﹐是苦難嗎?當然是﹐只是當時可能會充滿悲傷痛恨極深﹐甚至質問蒼天何以容許這麼多苦難臨到自己身上?是因為自己做了很多錯事而招至的嗎?

我們常聽說:「人生不如意事十常八九」﹐似乎說人的生老病死﹐無人可以避免。從成長心理學來看﹐由出生到嬰兒期、兒童期、青少年期、成年期、老年期等等﹐每個階段都有挑戰﹐挑戰就是困難、障礙﹐甚至是危機!這些挑戰不在於那人是好人壞人、富人窮人、貴族平民、信觀音信基督﹐都會有﹐無一倖免。簡單來說﹐在你我的一生中﹐無論你接受不接受﹐總會有人與挑戰/疾苦伴隨。問題的關鍵﹐在於你用甚麼態度﹐角度來面對。

人往往容易看到自己的困難﹐而且認為是嚴重到不得了﹐不斷抱怨甚至灰心無望!卻不易看到別人的困難﹐也沒有理會別人有多痛多慘!而然﹐人在困境中﹐正如壓力會帶來很多問題﹐但合宜的壓力同時可以提升人的潛質能力。在逆境的同時﹐原來也是人成長的磨練﹐甚至有人說是轉過彎的祝福。透過克服困難的過程﹐人會發現自己原來比想像中更剛強、更有智慧、能力。你認同嗎?你的童年經歷有沒有類似的「轉過彎的祝福」?

曾經看過新聞﹐在木屋區大火﹐一名母親可以抱著三名幼兒跑幾條街逃離火海;出生沒有四肢的澳洲傳奇人物力克(Nick Vujicic)﹐竟然可以完成大學﹐結婚生子﹐並以自己的特殊經歷經常出外演講激勵壯志。筆者很多同年代的同學都是家境貧困﹐飽受家暴﹐逃學失學﹐中學要半工半讀完成。從小便經歷無錢買菜﹐要執菜葉及棄置肉碎來煮食!無享受﹐無美食、衣著或旅遊。最享受的活動是海灘拾蜆﹐去野營﹐食罐頭黃豆﹐腐乳或豉油撈飯。

當回望過去所面對過的困難逆境﹐可以看到甚麼?當時這些困難﹐今日又如何解讀呢?是他們從困難逆境中不斷磨練以至培養出積極奮鬥性格﹐引發出「香港人的精神」?當時的缺乏﹐父母離異﹐無家庭溫暖﹐常有家庭暴力﹐反而是對人的耐性和「永不言敗」鬥志的良好訓練機會?是「苦難」還是「磨練機會」?是「人生逆境」﹐還是「成長轉機」?

在同一事件上可以有不同的角度﹐是否反映出你也可以選擇負面或正面角度看?由此引申﹐同一件事情的出現﹐其影響可以是正面﹐也可以是負面﹐在乎你怎麼樣去看﹐是嗎?若是如此﹐我們可否多採用以正面角度來看似「逆境」的事情呢?

今日﹐假如我們面對突如其來的挑戰﹐或許是有賊入屋偷竊;醫生說你的配偶患上癌症;兒子開車遇上車禍﹐汽車全毀人卻安全;丈夫被公司裁員;女兒離家出走跟了別人等等﹐你又會怎樣看?你會埋怨上天何以要慘待你嗎?你會討厭你的醫生嗎?你會咒罵對方司機嗎?你會與公司老板對質嗎?你會追蹤女兒並加以咒詛嗎?

如果我們可以把「厄運﹐逆境」用「培養積極奮鬥﹐磨練人的耐性和鬥志的良好機會」的角度來看的話﹐會有甚樣不同的結論?有賊入屋只是損失財物﹐人仍有平安﹐已經感恩﹐但此事提醒我們要加強防盜設施﹐避免更大的損失。處理癌症可再找第二個醫生諮詢﹐向前患病人徵求意見﹐改變生活方式﹐積極備戰﹐與患者同行。兒子車禍﹐與他共同面對整個處理過程﹐報警、醫療、費用安排等等﹐痛定思痛﹐防止再次出現﹐讓兒子經歷你與他同在﹐重建深入的親子關係。丈夫被裁﹐當作短暫休息﹐重新檢視人生上半場成績表﹐然後籌劃人生下半場的策略﹐不再求成功﹐但求有意義。女兒離家﹐冰凍三呎非一日之寒﹐全家集體思量過去的衝突創傷﹐尋求彼此寬恕原諒﹐給予空間﹐靜待歸航。

你會發覺﹐生命中的厄運、逆境、苦難﹐在當受那一刻是難以接受﹐感覺到上天對你不公﹐甚至是無天理﹐公義不伸張。這個反應是正常的﹐不是錯的。但是﹐並非只停在抱怨懷恨狀態﹐而是尋求當中的意義、教訓﹐不斷學習。

常言道小病是福﹐有病方知健康好。小小損失叫我們學習更大的預防﹐免除更大的損失。小小的挫折叫我們更要謙卑自己﹐知強者更多﹐要加倍努力改進﹐不論是見工/考大學試/考車牌失敗﹐被裁員等等。所有的大事﹐都是小事﹐因為都要過去。所有小事﹐就是無事﹐因為只是小事﹐不必為它發狂。

人無遠慮﹐必有近憂。福無雙至﹐禍不單行。人(不論好人壞人)無法避免生活中時時遇到的挑戰﹐卻可以有不同的角度和策略去面對。問題在於你﹐是否願意放下你習以為常的角度﹐改換一種新穎的思維角度?聖經有一句很合宜的話﹐作為今期的總結:

「不要效法這個世界﹐只要心意更新而變化﹐叫你們察驗何為神的善良、純全、可喜悅的旨意。」(羅馬書12:2)

 

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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