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【社會心】非理性思想(67)--修補撕裂(三)

 

上期文章結尾時,筆者明言「正能量強的人,總是願意行出第一步,嘗試改善,釋出善意,修補關係,小小累積。」今期繼續討論修補撕裂關係的最後一步:愛與寬恕

第五:愛與寬恕

這不是說日劇「愛與寬恕」內容情節,也不是指宗教規條教義,而是人性相處的根源之道。之前我們曾經討論過,衝突終有完結的一日,正如戰爭也如是。衝突過後,撕裂已經造成,在家人﹑朋友之間,如何修補撕裂了的關係呢?又如何開始新的關係呢?該帶著甚麼眼光﹑動機去看對方?若果仍然是看對方為敵人,不可信任的,要防範的,那就不是開始新關係,只不過是延續原來的敵對心態。經過長時間爭鬥,各有受傷甚至死亡,要化解怨仇不容易,更需要雙方都具備的寬恕心,而這寬恕的背後力量就是愛。

Social 1寬恕真諦

寬恕,是無條例的,不是交換的,並非「你若寬恕我的錯,我便寬恕你的錯」而是,不管你寬恕不寬恕我,我還是寬恕你的錯。因為我已寬恕了你,你也不再成為我的埋怨惱恨對象,也不再影響我的情緒,因為我可以為自己的前路去向重新構思。我看到你時不會因過去的衝突而不悅,不用再避開見到你,不怕與你對話,甚至不介意與你同枱吃飯。至於能不能重回舊日友誼關係,要看雙方的準備及開放程度,不勉強,不催逼。重點是,我已放下對你的不滿,心中不再懷怒。

寬恕,是去忘記過去的仇恨,不是當作未發生過,而是不讓它成為自己心中一根刺,成長的阻礙,不讓這些傷痛經歷化作仇恨在心中潛藏。過去發生過的事,已經成為歷史,不可能視作沒有發生。但可以視為人生學習的功課,叫自己不要再犯同樣的錯誤。

寬恕,是要有基礎的,這基礎就是愛。當有愛在心中,寬恕便容易發展出來。正如人經歷過被寬恕,體會到被對方肯包容接納自己的錯(這就是愛的包容),便容易對他人犯的錯作出寬恕,這就是愛心流露,也是愛心可以漫延發展出正向循環 Positive Cycle。

筆者在大學時有一科要做 presentation,被安排在最後一堂的第一個,誰知那日早上在巴士睡著,過了一個車站,奔跑到課室已遲了三十分鐘。心中盤算該怎麼解釋,豈料老師以平淡溫柔的聲音,叫我把預備好的,向大家報告,完全不提問為何遲到等責備,而最後評語更是肯定筆者的論點及預備很充足!那日被寬裕包容的感覺,至今仍在。

如果是基督徒,則更加容易明白寬恕的道理。就是經歷了自己在神面前承認自己的過錯,接受耶穌基督成為我們的救主,因祂的死代替我們贖罪,得蒙寬恕,成為神的兒女,更有屬天的盼望。我們寬恕,因為基督先寬恕我們。我們愛,因為神先愛我們。

然而,面對過去的衝突,起因並非直接個人恩怨,但又曾經在言語上傷害過自己或自己的組群,又怎能消除心中不快,對所做成的修痕怎去除掉?筆者明白,若自己是受害者便不會如此容易說出來,所謂「針未刺肉不知痛」,如果被黑警暴打,怎去寬恕?如果自己內心真的無法做到寬恕,也不要勉強自己。聖經傳道書也說:「凡事都有定期,撕裂有時,縫補有時。靜默有時,言語有時。」等到自己心境平靜時,再去思考此行動。

刺與樑木

另一個有待處理的是「看到對方的刺,看不到自己的樑木」。在衝突當刻,我們往往將自己的憤怒視為正義,將自己的評論視為可靠且絕對中肯的。因為我們覺得,我們掌握了一切必要資訊來看批判別人。要放下這道德高台位置,改為接受自己也可能有不足之處,甚至推翻昨日的我,自我否定,是極為困難的。正如耶穌曾提過:「你們不要論斷人,免得你們被論斷。因為你們怎樣論斷人,也必怎樣被論斷;你們用什麼因為你們怎樣論斷人,也必怎樣被論斷;你們用什麼量器量給人,也必用什麼量器量給你們。為什麼看見你弟兄眼中有刺,卻不想自己眼中有梁木呢?」(太7:1-3)

在「反送中」事件中,我們在報章電視及網上錄影片段,都看到很多角度的描述,聽到有警察扮黑衣人參與示威然後拉人,也看到有操國語口音的警察不出示委任証及警員編號,粗暴地對待示威者;又看到有手法純熟的示威者破壞電箱,製造燃燒彈等等,似乎都顯示有不少情況已經改變,一般市民都看不到事實的全部。我們不知道是否有內地人士扮警察?不知道有多少警察「喬裝」示威者甚至是破壞者?更不知道有多少示威者中滲入「專業示威者」?也不知道他們背後是誰人安排?八月十一日在尖沙咀被射眼睛的女示威者,何以不去報警?也不讓警方取其醫療報告?還有很多未知前因的事件,要去評論定性,會否過急,武斷?我們可否回歸理性,從事實出發,要求政府/社會帶頭找出事實真相,還受傷者及死亡者的公道。

Social 2如果是親友之間仍然想修補撕裂的關係要明白撕裂是個心結就如傷口未痊癒前會痕癢有意無意的再抓破也傷疤。暫時放下矛盾設個冷靜期或冷待甚至婉拒再和對方談論引起爭執的事令大家冷靜一下讓時間修補。冷待是指對事件和爭拗不是冷待對方。斯賓諾莎說「人心不是靠武力征服而是靠愛和寬容征服。」耶穌基督在死前對釘死他的人說:「父啊赦免他們因為他們所作的他們不曉得。」祂展示了寬恕的最高也是最難的典範為釘死他的人去求情。


「撕裂有時縫補有時。靜默有時言語有時。」(傳道書3:7)「你們用什麼量器量給人也必用什麼量器量給你們。」(馬太7:2)

 

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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